A year ago, I would have swooned, would have been swept off my feet. How I have longed for this kind of appreciation, for this kind of love. But all these came too late, sadly.

I never thought I could just wake up one morning, not loving the one person I have loved for so many years. The one person I devoted my life to, gave all my love to, unconditionally. The first person I have ever loved.

And while I was smelling the roses, hugging the stuffed toy, and eating the cake, all I could feel was sadness. Sadness for the love I lost. Sadness for all the years that I wasted. Sadness for everything that I lost in the course of eight years.

At first, I couldn’t help asking myself, where have I gone wrong? But I know now, that the only mistake I did was giving everything I had, not leaving something for myself. Until I was drained and empty. And there was nothing more I could give.

As I struggle to get back on my feet, I am determined to reclaim my sense of being. Learn to love myself. Learn to love life. And in time, I know,I will be loved. Someday…..

After more than a year, I made it to the top ten of our site. Finally!

And I have my team, the Cowboys, to thank for it. My team believed in me, even when I didn’t.

A year ago, I was happy with my job, happy with the pay I get to take home. I was content in doing what my job asked for, and being paid well for it. It never occured to me that I could be better.

Until I met the Cowboys and Yam.

When I joined the team, I was inside a shell, clamped tightly shut. I was comfortably hiding in darkness, oblivious to the world around me. But no, the Cowboys would have none of it. They prodded me, insistently, I might add, out of my shell. And when my shell was finally opened, I got to see that there is a bigger world out there, with lots of possibilities. And with that came the realization that I can make something out of myself, that I deserve a better life. 

I was like a cocooned caterpillar. But I have come out. And now, I am a butterfly, spreading my wings, ready to take on the world. My flight may be filled with uncertainties and disappointments, but hey, no pain, no gain. And I know the Cowboys will be with me every step of the way, to support me. And I am so glad they became a part of my life. They made me face my fears, deal with reality, and dream.

Thank you, Cowboys.

Slowly
losing my grip
on reality
I fade away.

Then I feel
your hand
pulling me up
Lifting my soul.

You turned the nightmare
that is my life
into a fairy tale
I never even dreamed of.

Feeling your warmth
I take comfort
In your arms
Blisfully safe.

Suddenly, you let go
I fall faster
With nothing
to hang on to.

You walk away
Leaving me
With just the memories
to keep in my heart.

I think of you
As I sink deeper
into the quicksand
I made myself.
 

I existed,
Yet I did not live….

….until
You came into my life
and opened my eyes
once more.

You are the balm
that soothed my spirit,
cleansed my soul,
reawakened my entire being.

I saw
through your eyes
the freshness of mornings
and the magic night brings.

Through you
I lived
the beauty of life
loved its bittersweetness.

You made me feel…

… I have come home.

With a vengeance, she unleashes her anger. She was not allowed to be happy, so why should the rest of the world be? Her heart was wrenched away from her, when all she wanted was to love. And now, she could no longer feel love. Bitterness is all that remains.

Slowly, people begin to feel fear. This is the ire of a woman who suffered a loss, suffered the injustice of the world. Her scorn is something to contend with. Onlookers begin to flee, to run for their lives, not able to take in the sorrow spewing forth from this beautiful maiden.

But even in sorrow, true to her name, Daragang Magayon remains beautiful. In passivity, she is grand. In turmoil, she is majestic. And from a distance, people can’t help but stare in wonder at this fusion of beauty and hate.

On a one-way track

I’m afraid to buck

I can’t go back

I fear I’ll crash

And forever be crushed. 

Above is just a little something I cooked up in CCT training. We were asked to write a poem using the rhyming words from our manual. It’s what I was able to come up with in just a few minutes.

Seven years ago, I was a university student, dissecting the movie, analysing the symbolism, understanding the message. Now, I am a student of life, feeling the emotions, understanding the frustrations, and learning its lessons— life’s lessons.

A lot has happened, yes. I was seeing the movie in a different light. I was merging it with my own experiences, my own frustrations. I was no longer the detached observer, analyzing it methodically.  And it made me think.

I have changed. As Heraclitus aptly put it: “You cannot step on the same river twice, for fresh waters are ever flowing in upon you.”  I am no longer the eager innocent I once was.  I have experienced a lot of disappointments and failures, I’d like to believe I’m jaded. Immune to pains and heartaches. I’d like to believe that life has taught me well, to be practical.

But that sunshine of idealism still peeks over that dark cloud of cynicism. 

With every disappointment, I hope some more. With every failure, I dream some more.  Searching for my elusive happy ever after, knowing I might get disappointed again. Fearing I might not be able to deal with the frustration the next time. But still hoping.

And I do hope, for my sake, my happy ever after is just waiting for me around the next riverbend….

That is how losing a friend feels.

Due to some circumstances I couldn’t control, I just recently lost a friend. No, he didn’t die, but the loss feels the same, at least for me. We didn’t drift apart, though that would have been much easier to bear. Our friendship was cut short by some external force, as it was just budding. It didn’t even get the chance to blossom into the beautiful flower it could have been.

I feel deeply when it comes to my friends. It’s because I don’t have a lot of them. There’s this adage friends are gold. I don’t have a chest full of gold coins, what I have is just a bagful of priceless gold bullions. And losing just one of them already is a huge loss.

I’ve lost friends in the past, while some of them drifted away. But most of the time, I was able to recover them. It took some effort for me to recover some, while some just showed up out of the blue, like I never lost them at all.

So, even as I mourn this loss, I am pretty sure I will get you back, friend. Just you wait. That’s a threat. :)

How can you look away
From me
As I beseech you
With all honesty?

How can you put me down
With your words
When you don’t take the time
To look into my soul?

How can you go on
Ignoring me
When I am undoubtedly
A part of you?

How can you go on
Living
As I lay down before you
Dying?

How can you walk away
From me
When I need you
To live?
 

Well, what’s wrong with that?!

Since the Goth subculture creeped into our consciousness,  espousing a dark outlook in life became the epitome of coolness. Teenage angst became a common theme with rock bands, all the more promoting hate, anger, death, you name it. What’s worse, in the context of pop culture, it has been very much romanticized that those who were vulnerable enough to be absorbed into this culture, try to outdo each other in wallowing in self pity and tragedy. For some, it has even become an excuse for weakness.

I have nothing against these emotions, I feel them too. Without these feelings, fear, sorrow, hate, I wouldn’t have come to know, and love, some of the best writers the world has ever known, like Pablo Neruda and Paolo Coelho. And more importantly, I wouldn’t be the person I am now, if not for life’s cruelties and sorrows I had to overcome.

After all, isnt that what life is all about? The triumph of good over evil? It’s not the tragic life we are suffering that we should be proud of. Instead, we should be proud of being able to win over these tragedies that fate throws our way, of being able to stand up after falling, of coming out of the of these challenges even stronger. This is what we should be proud of, not wallowing in quagmire.

We are God’s children. And he made us with tougher stuff than the obstacles we have to face. God loves us, and he will never make us face something he knows we are not strong enough for. As a friend of mine quoted at one of my darkest times, ”That which cannot kill you can only make you stronger.” 

In spite of the bruises I have acquired from life’s beatings, I’m happy. And this is what it all boils down to. And that is how I can say that my life is perfect. With all its, imperfections, my life IS perfect.

They say life is not a bed of roses. But mine is. Thorns included, of course. Still, it is a bed of roses.